Expectations

Before you book a single reservation or finalize anything, it's essential to discuss with all stakeholders exactly what you each envision for the trip. Communicate - don’t assume anything. Discuss the daily itinerary, timeline and hotels. Make sure people understand that there will be handicap accessibility issues, and considerations re Grandma’s stamina. Don’t assume that everyone is on the same page.

Make sure you understand Grandma’s physical, emotional and medical needs by consulting with whomever is most knowledgeable about her issues. You may be unaware of many details that keep her safe and healthy, so don't hesitate to speak to  her doctor and others who know her situation well, to be sure you are up-to-date on everything.

Once you have a good idea of her requirements and limitations, consider everyone’s expectations for the trip and make adjustments as necessary. For instance, is it realistic that you will be able to be up and out of the hotel by 9:00 in the morning? Is it realistic to assume that you won’t have to come back to the hotel until evening? Will Grandma be able to make it up the stairs at Aunt Mary’s house for that party? And how about the bathroom at Aunt Mary’s….. where is it? Always remember that wherever you are planning to go, you should keep the logistics of handicap accessibility in mind. It will make your life – and Grandma’s –easier. And don’t forget another thing: if Grandma’s typical day at home involves little activity, how will she be affected by the sudden physical demands of being on the go? The prospect of so much fun might be exciting, but you don’t want Grandma to overdo and become ill, which would be sad and scary for everyone, and undercut your plans as well.

I decided it would be a good idea to talk with Grandma about our probable itinerary and mutual expectations prior to our trips to California and New York. She had not travelled in several years, and the last time she went away with us, she was more able-bodied. She could easily walk with a walker, go up and down a few stairs, sit in any chair, walk on grass and so forth. She was much more frail now. I expected that we would have to hire an aide or companion for some or all of each trip, since it was unlikely I could be with her 24/7, and I didn’t feel comfortable leaving her alone in a strange hotel room.

For our trip to California, my initial thought (before discussing this with her), was that it would be a comfort to her if the person we hired was her long-time caregiver from home. She would be with us on the plane, and travel with us for the week. Wouldn’t being with someone she already knew and trusted be better than chancing it with a stranger referred to us by an agency in a town where we were strangers?

I was so totally wrong. Grandma didn’t want to be with an aide 24/7 during the trip. In fact, she said, she’d rather stay home. In fact, she said, we’d all be better off if she stayed home. You see, at home, she lived alone. She was used to it, was totally comfortable with the layout of her house, and had a daily routine. Her home health companion worked on a part-time basis, and Grandma was alone on weekends. Somehow, as frail as she was, she managed. She cherished her privacy and enjoyed being with people, but didn’t like the prospect of being with her aide all the time, even though she liked her. We both decided that the best thing would be to hire an aide in California (I will go into details in a subsequent post.). We did the same thing for our wedding the following year in New York City. It worked out well because Grandma had been brought up to speed about our needs and obligations, and appreciated that we were trying to mesh them with her needs and limitations. Our mutual goals were to have a wonderful time at the wedding and to have nothing bad happen.

When considering expectations, don’t forget to include your spouse, siblings, children and other stakeholders, including the event coordinator if you are hosting a wedding or other event. I am fortunate that my husband was adamant about Grandma coming to the wedding, so he was willing to be flexible and accommodating . He and I talked a lot about the trip and had a good idea of what we would be doing: spending time with our children and new family members, picking people up at airports and dropping them off; going to lunches and dinners (some planned by us at our convenience, others organized by others). There would be a lot of meeting and greeting, coming and going, and –hopefully – relaxing a bit, too. We both knew we couldn’t be with Grandma all the time.

When planning your trip, the bottom line is that everyone involved should have a good idea of the others’ expectations, and you should arrive at a consensus for what will be doable and what will not. Our resources and our ability to be somewhat flexible with our schedule allowed us to come up with a plan that would work for us. Everyone’s case is different, and you need to think hard about what will work for you.

See Blog Archive in left sidebar for other posts:
Packing (March 11)
Freecycle (Feb. 17)
Renting a Car (Feb. 2)
Paid Caregivers (Jan. 13)
How to Select a Hotel (Dec. 28)
Meds, Meds, Meds (Dec. 14)
Planning (Oct. 23)